Fairly stupid tales--in summary
Ten minutes until bedtime. A sick sister to whom you're telling stories. Quickly, now. And creativity is going on the blink. Where, oh where is the Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales?
I was faced with this problem last night and came up with summaries of stories in the genre of Fairly Stupid Tales. I even carried it a step farther with Fairly Stupid Folk Songs. I'll try and find links if you're not familiar with the stories. I will list ones as they come to mind and also from last night.
Fairly Stupid Tales
The Frog Prince
(This one was Susie's favorite. With apologies to Jon Szcieca and Lane Smith, this is heavily borrowed from their book, "The Frog Prince Continued")
Once upon a time there was a prince. He was very handsome, but he got turned into a frog. He believed that if a princess kissed him he would turn back into a prince. So he got a princess to kiss him. But when she kissed him, she turned into a frog, too.
The Little Mermaid
(This one was Susie's second-favorite.)
Once upon a time there lived a little mermaid. When she was sixteen, she got to go above the deep rolling sea where she lived to see the dry land and all that. She saw a handsome prince on a boat and fell in love with him. She even saved him from a shipwreck! Then she wanted to get legs to marry him, but when she found out that she'd have to trade her voice for legs, she said, "Oh, forget it!" and went back to the depths of the sea.
Sleeping Beauty
(There was a really stupid good fairy...)
Once upon a time there was a king and queen who had no children. Then they had a daughter and were very happy. But then an evil fairy said that when she turned sixteen she would prick her finger on a spindle and die. But then a good fairy said she'd just fall asleep for a hundred years. But she forgot to mention handsome princes or eternal youth, so when the princess woke up she was really, really old and looked it, too.
Rapunzel
(Who never got lonely)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who got locked up in a tower by a witch. She had really long hair that could have let a handsome prince up, but it kept tripping her up, and besides, she liked the solitude, so she cut it off and lived happily ever after.
Whitebear Whittington
(An Appalachian folktale--another good version is from Norway--it's called East of the Sun and West of the Moon. This isn't in the same vein, but I'll tell you right up that she never dumps water on him in the original version, and you never find out what exactly happens to them in the end in the original)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who got promised away by her father to bear who turned out to be a man and want to marry her. She said yes, but then she had to visit her family and give away the secret of her husband's name. So he forgot all about her. So she followed him for about seven years and even washed a shirt for him that no one else could watch, but he'd forgotten all about her. She attempted to wake him up for three nights, but she had a lot of trouble because he was drugged by a woman who wanted to marry him. Finally she dumped wash-water all over him and that woke him up, though he wasn't too happy with her. Then they went and got their kids and he became a coal miner and she a laundress.
Snow White
(Notice that there's no "and the seven dwarves" in the title)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who had an evil stepmother who told a guy to kill her. He didn't. He just let her go free and killed some animal instead. So the woman went away to live in a cave and drew pictures in her spare time--that's what all those cave drawings are in France.
The Frog Prince
(This one was Susie's favorite. With apologies to Jon Szcieca and Lane Smith, this is heavily borrowed from their book, "The Frog Prince Continued")
Once upon a time there was a prince. He was very handsome, but he got turned into a frog. He believed that if a princess kissed him he would turn back into a prince. So he got a princess to kiss him. But when she kissed him, she turned into a frog, too.
The Little Mermaid
(This one was Susie's second-favorite.)
Once upon a time there lived a little mermaid. When she was sixteen, she got to go above the deep rolling sea where she lived to see the dry land and all that. She saw a handsome prince on a boat and fell in love with him. She even saved him from a shipwreck! Then she wanted to get legs to marry him, but when she found out that she'd have to trade her voice for legs, she said, "Oh, forget it!" and went back to the depths of the sea.
Sleeping Beauty
(There was a really stupid good fairy...)
Once upon a time there was a king and queen who had no children. Then they had a daughter and were very happy. But then an evil fairy said that when she turned sixteen she would prick her finger on a spindle and die. But then a good fairy said she'd just fall asleep for a hundred years. But she forgot to mention handsome princes or eternal youth, so when the princess woke up she was really, really old and looked it, too.
Rapunzel
(Who never got lonely)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who got locked up in a tower by a witch. She had really long hair that could have let a handsome prince up, but it kept tripping her up, and besides, she liked the solitude, so she cut it off and lived happily ever after.
Whitebear Whittington
(An Appalachian folktale--another good version is from Norway--it's called East of the Sun and West of the Moon. This isn't in the same vein, but I'll tell you right up that she never dumps water on him in the original version, and you never find out what exactly happens to them in the end in the original)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who got promised away by her father to bear who turned out to be a man and want to marry her. She said yes, but then she had to visit her family and give away the secret of her husband's name. So he forgot all about her. So she followed him for about seven years and even washed a shirt for him that no one else could watch, but he'd forgotten all about her. She attempted to wake him up for three nights, but she had a lot of trouble because he was drugged by a woman who wanted to marry him. Finally she dumped wash-water all over him and that woke him up, though he wasn't too happy with her. Then they went and got their kids and he became a coal miner and she a laundress.
Snow White
(Notice that there's no "and the seven dwarves" in the title)
Once upon a time there was a young woman who had an evil stepmother who told a guy to kill her. He didn't. He just let her go free and killed some animal instead. So the woman went away to live in a cave and drew pictures in her spare time--that's what all those cave drawings are in France.
Fairly Stupid Folksongs
The Fair Maid
(Lyrics here.)
When I was a fair maid, about seventeen
I listed in the navy for to serve the queen
I listed in the navy, a sailor lad to stand
Then I fell into the water
And drowned upon the sand.
The Golden Glove
(Lyrics here)
Oh it's of a young squire in Tamworth we hear
And he courted a nobleman's daughter so fair
For to marry her it was his intent
And the friends and relations had given their consent
Now a date was appointed for their wedding day
And the farmer he was appointed to give her away
But as soon as the lady this farmer did spy
Her heart was inflamed and bitterly she did cry
So she thought and she thought but nothing she said,
Except, "I'm not getting married!" and she took to her bed
And now I do tell you she's still there to this day
'Cause unlike her sister, she can't think what to say.
The Rolling of the Stones
(Lyrics here)
Will you go to the rolling of the stones
Or the dancing of the ball?
Or will you go and see pretty Susie
And dance among them all
I will not go to the rolling of the stones
Or the tossing of the ball
Nor will I go and see pretty Susie
I don't wish to die at all.
Young Man Who Wouldn't Raise Corn
(Lyrics here)
Come all young ladies, and listen to my song,
I'll tell you 'bout a young man who wouldn't raise corn.
The reason why, I cannot tell,
This young man was always well.
He goeth down to his near neighbor's land,
Going a-courting, as I understand,
Going a-courting, and, sure as you're born,
"Kind sir, have you wed your corn?"
"Well, yes, my dear!" he did reply,
"Yes, my dear, I've laid it by,
But it ain't worthwhile to strive in vain--
I don't believe in my soul it's gonna raise one grain!"
"Well, a healthy young man that won't raise corn
Is the laziest man that ever was born!
Single I am, single I'll remain--
But a lazy man I won't maintain!"
I met this man 'bout a year ago
And I asked him why his courtin' was goin' so slow
And this is what he says to me
"After that, I asked no one to marry me!"
Barbara Allen
(Lyrics here Do a Google search for "Barbara Allen" if you don't want to hear music--it plays automatically. This is not a joke.)
Twas in the merry month of May
When green buds all were swelling,
Sweet William on his death bed lay
For love of Barbara Allen.
He sent his servant to the town
To the place where she was dwelling,
Saying you must come, to my master dear
If your name be Barbara Allen.
So slowly, slowly she got up
And slowly she drew nigh him,
And the only words to him did say
Young man I think you're dying.
Then he changed his mind about her
And she knew that he'd forget her
And the only words to him did say
"Young man, I think you're better"
(and I'm gonna die now)
Scarborough Fair
(Lyrics here)
(this is the last verse)
Go tell my answer to him who asks
Parsley sage rosemary and thyme
I will not do those impossible tasks
I'll not be no true love of him
(okay, you gotta kind of say "hime" instead of "him" or else just deal with it not rhyming)
The Fair Maid
(Lyrics here.)
When I was a fair maid, about seventeen
I listed in the navy for to serve the queen
I listed in the navy, a sailor lad to stand
Then I fell into the water
And drowned upon the sand.
The Golden Glove
(Lyrics here)
Oh it's of a young squire in Tamworth we hear
And he courted a nobleman's daughter so fair
For to marry her it was his intent
And the friends and relations had given their consent
Now a date was appointed for their wedding day
And the farmer he was appointed to give her away
But as soon as the lady this farmer did spy
Her heart was inflamed and bitterly she did cry
So she thought and she thought but nothing she said,
Except, "I'm not getting married!" and she took to her bed
And now I do tell you she's still there to this day
'Cause unlike her sister, she can't think what to say.
The Rolling of the Stones
(Lyrics here)
Will you go to the rolling of the stones
Or the dancing of the ball?
Or will you go and see pretty Susie
And dance among them all
I will not go to the rolling of the stones
Or the tossing of the ball
Nor will I go and see pretty Susie
I don't wish to die at all.
Young Man Who Wouldn't Raise Corn
(Lyrics here)
Come all young ladies, and listen to my song,
I'll tell you 'bout a young man who wouldn't raise corn.
The reason why, I cannot tell,
This young man was always well.
He goeth down to his near neighbor's land,
Going a-courting, as I understand,
Going a-courting, and, sure as you're born,
"Kind sir, have you wed your corn?"
"Well, yes, my dear!" he did reply,
"Yes, my dear, I've laid it by,
But it ain't worthwhile to strive in vain--
I don't believe in my soul it's gonna raise one grain!"
"Well, a healthy young man that won't raise corn
Is the laziest man that ever was born!
Single I am, single I'll remain--
But a lazy man I won't maintain!"
I met this man 'bout a year ago
And I asked him why his courtin' was goin' so slow
And this is what he says to me
"After that, I asked no one to marry me!"
Barbara Allen
(Lyrics here Do a Google search for "Barbara Allen" if you don't want to hear music--it plays automatically. This is not a joke.)
Twas in the merry month of May
When green buds all were swelling,
Sweet William on his death bed lay
For love of Barbara Allen.
He sent his servant to the town
To the place where she was dwelling,
Saying you must come, to my master dear
If your name be Barbara Allen.
So slowly, slowly she got up
And slowly she drew nigh him,
And the only words to him did say
Young man I think you're dying.
Then he changed his mind about her
And she knew that he'd forget her
And the only words to him did say
"Young man, I think you're better"
(and I'm gonna die now)
Scarborough Fair
(Lyrics here)
(this is the last verse)
Go tell my answer to him who asks
Parsley sage rosemary and thyme
I will not do those impossible tasks
I'll not be no true love of him
(okay, you gotta kind of say "hime" instead of "him" or else just deal with it not rhyming)
Please comment if you think any of these are funny. Let me know which ones are the best. Do take the time to comment--I spent a long time getting these all ready for you...
Saro
Saro
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