Over the Sea to Skye

Well, I'm leaving, too, but it's not on a boat, not to Skye, and, most importantly, I'm NOT ESCAPING anything. Except school, maybe. Actually, if it weren't where my sister was left and spent the first almost-six months of her life (and perhaps was born), I would think myself and anyone else to be daft to go to a place where there's nothing to do. I mean it. It's a city like here, "Loshan", where there's absolutely nothing to attract tourists (so why do we have so many hotels?) (Of course, China Eastern did do this article about it, or the prefecture, the famed month we almost crashed. But it was all in Chinese, so I don't know if it said it was a good place to visit or not.) This is really a second time, but with a twist: last time was Gail's hometown, where there's nothing but a natural bridge; but Gail's grandma said the road wasn't safe so we didn't go. It was fabulously interesting, though, because it was an untouched part of China. Gail said no foreigners had been there for a long time, though I do actually know the name (knew the name)of somebody who was. But I digress. Anyway, there we had friends to visit and a guide who could show us the cool parts, here we are heading off to Guangdong to see this incredibly boring sounding city.

It's a need of my sister and my parents. They need to see it again. Sure, I think it would be nice, but I have no need. We've had some disappointments about this whole trip that have devastated my mom, irritated (yes, irritated) my dad, and that my sister has borne with incredible courage. But...I'm this outsider. I have to be strong. And sure, I want to be strong, to not want or need (or at least to put aside my want or need) any extra care or attention, but it's difficult. I only broke down once, and there's other factors influencing that, too...

I guess I'm feeling some strange feelings of being an outsider. Every year we celebrate "family day" because it was the day Mom and Dad were married and Becky was adopted. I have felt this niggling feeling for a few years now that it's not about me. That's okay. But I almost feel like an intruder. I know I'm welcome, I mean, Mom helped me come up with "it's the day I became a sister" sort of thing. And I'm not jealous. I see the specialness of adoption, yet being a birth child has its merits, too. Please don't get me wrong. But all of a sudden, I realized that this has nothing to do with me. And while I don't want everything to do with me, our trips have often been family affairs. Something for everybody. I guess it's my turn; Becky is sort of quiet and doesn't care much what we do besides rest occasionally or eat some Western food. And somehow I feel...well, not left out, but just--outside. I don't really care that much, it's just that I've got to acknowledge that, right or wrong, I'm feeling that.

I'm also feeling, interestingly enough, that we're going to the wrong province. I mean, in Seattle there are tons of Chinese people who come from Guangdong. I have yet to discover any who came from my sister's hometown, but there might be. And I've learned a little Cantonese. So before that, I would read books about and set in China or about Chinese people, and if they spoke Cantonese, or were from Guangdong, I thought it was the "right" thing. But now, having lived in Yunnan all this time, I realize that I've changed. I'm used to hearing Mandarin, I'm leaning Mandarin, and I'm really realizing what it's like to live in China. I'm also learning about local cultures and such in MY part of China. And all of a sudden, the "right" place isn't Guangdong; the "right" language isn't Cantonese, it's Yunnan and Mandarin. And usually, I found books about Guangdong and sometimes (though more often it was Mandarin) Cantonese. Now, I know I'll be reading those books that have Mandarin in them and reminiscing and perhaps I'll be combing the stacks for a picture; a word; a sentence about Yunnan.

So what I'm looking forward to is seeing Micha and Kiana again and seeing the Kunming Nationalities Villages, and, oh, yes, riding the train to Guangdong. Not the other way around; the novelty would have worn off.

And if Mum takes Daddy seriously about bowling, well, I haven't done that in years and it is something to do.

But I'll be glad to be back here surrounded by Yunnan culture...and, yes, probably researching the Jacobites again. Now I'm certain that the "right" place to go in Scotland is the Isle of Skye, or the clan that our name belongs to's castle, or--most importantly for me--Culloden Moor.