Why?

Why do I want to publish books? When I grow up, I mean? Do I want to make sure that the whole world reads what I have to say? Do I want the whole world to know some startling philosophical truth? Do I want to make money to justify my scribbles? Or, is it one of the reasons I wanted to be an actress (long ago!); that people have given me so much I want to give other people too?

Why?

Or is it because I want to see my name in print?

Or do I want people to see what I have to say?

Or...what?

I don't know. I think there's a mixture of something selfish (though not necessarily bad selfish) and something truly wanting to give people things. I wouldn't mind writing books that make people cry...because I have read books that made me cry and I've enjoyed those because they're intense and they really draw you into the story. I want to give people something to read, to enjoy.

And yet, I know my motives are more than that. There's something selfish in here, and I don't know what it is. I don't think it's something to be concerned about--or even that's necessarily wrong. But what? What? What? Why? Why? Why?

And then, of course, there's the When? When? When? aspect of it, too. Just when, after I'm grownup, will I actually come up with a story that people will buy?

Finally, I'm trying to think of a title for my new blog, which I will start in (good grief!) less than four months now. Is Gaelic okay? (I'll see if I can spell it correctly...)

Oh, and today I learned how to say something I've been wanting to say. It describes our calendar picture: na dwa hua shi huang sih deh. That flower is yellow.

It may not seem like much to you, but I put together the sentence, and it's a little joy. The other little joy is that I understood a young woman (Hannah) when she said something about dancing. I heard tiao wu and I was so excited. I was whispering this excitedly to Mum as soon as it happened.

Two years ago, I cared about music. I still do. But there's so much else in the world; I think no one has enough time to experience everything! So much to see...and if bad things were taken away, there would still be barely any time for good things!

I digress. I'm still wondering why I want to publish...